Wow, the last several days have been a complete whirlwind and I'm trying desperately to hold on. (In more ways than one, but particularly my sanity.) However a few nice things have ocurred. The welcome home party for my brother in law was awesome and I feasted like a king. (My sincerest apologies if I was inside chatting too long. I needed some sage like advice you might say. Thanks to those that were kind enough to indulge me.) Also my father in law is home from the hospital. He is still miserable somewhat because he can't spend the kind of quality time with his grandchildren like he wants to due to the fact that he has a pic(pick?) line for his IV meds. I feel for him I do. It's gotta suck. But at least he still gets to go on his vacation in July so that is a plus. The last few days have not all been hunky-dory though. Productive yes, but saddening and depressing at the same time. At the BBQ this Saturday I stumbled upon an interesting piece of info. It appears as though during a recent conversation between her and my father that she "expressed concern" regarding bruising on my child's legs. I don't know exactly what was said, but I can only imagine what the implications were when she raised the issue. For the record, my child is 21 months old, and has the tendency to wiggle her legs inbetween the slats of her crib and occasionally gets them stuck. I do not lay hands on my child in anger, frustration or anything of the sort. I have had my moments, like any parent, and have almost lost my cool, but never crossed that threshold. Apparantly she (my mom) even hypothesized whether Charlotte was iron deficient or something of that nature which may or may not explain the"bruising". Either way I feel horrible, and allow me to elaborate. . .First, to have anyone think that I may have ever laid hands on my child makes me feel like the scum of the earth. Furthermore, for said person or persons be my own Mother! Words cannot desribe how low I felt and how much I hated myself. And to add further insult to injury getting Charlotte's iron level checked has been on my to do list for quite some time. Reason being is that Jimmy was terminated from his job in December of 2007, therefore there went the benefits. Meanwhile we have been fighting with Social Services until recently to get insurance and other services that we signed up for. It wasn't until June 1st that we finally got Fidelis, but they did backdate the Medicaid to the middle of Jan when I filed. So yeah, from middle of Jan to June 1st we were waiting for Fidelis, thanks to the assbackwards social worker assigned to my case (UGH.) Now as I recall her pediatrician doesn't take just medicaid. Now I realize ignorance is really no excuse but I financially cannot bear the burden of additional medical bills. Nevertheless I made a choice, whether it was the right one or not, who knows. But between the inability (I felt) of not being able to secure adequate healthcare for my child in conjunction with the possible speculation that spewed forth from my own Mother's mouth had me breaking down crying while trying to put away groceries in the fridge that evening. Perhaps that was the cherry on the shit sundae. Ye old straw that broke the camel's back. I am doing my best to give my mother the benefit of the doubt and assume that her intentions were for the best and that there was absolutely no speculation as to my mothering ability. I am truly trying, maybe I'm just so beaten down with everything else that I tend to see the negative. Any ideas? The good news is that Charlotte has a Dr appt in the next few days and will be caught up on everything. Speaking of appointments I had one with an attorney this afternoon regarding bankruptcy. I must say he appears to be very competent, and also the three c's (calm, cool and collected). He managed to help make me feel at ease, which is nice considering how traumatic filing bankruptcy can be. Overall the appointment was very informative and eye opening. Granted I went in there as knowledgable and prepared as I could be, and to walk away with additional information leads me to believe that he is a good lawyer and could very well be the one Jimmy and I choose. One cannot always get what they want, at least not right away, and only one thing that I was hoping could be accomplished right away obviously couldn't. However I was adequately advised how to handle said scenario in the meantime, so that I can do what I need to do and be able to sleep at night. Which would be an absolute godsend. Because of late I have been sleeping poorly because of being pregnant, but the stress of all the recent events (ie see previous blog) on top of that it's gotten so bad that I started having nightmares and feeling like I'm in a perpetual panic attack state. Physically it's a bitch, let me tell you. I know pregnancy is not a time to start medicating ones self, but maybe my doc can recommend counseling or something if she feels that medication is not warranted. I need help, what can I say? But on the flip side I got most of the hard work done, took preventative measures to ensure the hubby and I don't get screwed anymore, and am on the road to recovery in all the aspects of my life that needed help. And my birthday is on Friday so that helps :-) It's been a long time coming, but tis nice to at least think that there may be, might just be light at the end of the tunnel. Wish me luck folks! God knows I'm gonna need it!

I am doing Attorney appointment(s) and going thru the Grandmas posessions.

I have finally decided to join the rest of you kind folks and post a blog. My sincerest apologies that I was just an observer for so long before being a participant. Like the title of my blog says, my cup runneth over and certainly not in a good way. Therefore I thought I'd finally release the flood gates while my daughter was asleep and the hubby was at work that way they wouldn't be able to see me crack. Where to begin, where to begin. Most of the items that have me terribly upset have occurred just recently, however some have been preexisting, and some just exascerbate said pre-existing problems. I apologize in advance if  I seem whiny, am new to this, so please idulge me lol Well, let's see. . . . .On Sunday May 25th Jim's grandmother passed away. To say it was sudden is the understatement of the century. The shock alone is enough to knock someone on their ass. And it just so happens that those someone(s) are my husband and my mother-in-law. I feel for my husband, my heart breaks for him. I know deep down he feels utterly horrible. He just can't seem to stop playing the usual "What ifs" and guilt trips upon himself. It's as though he's emotionally flagellating himself. And I as his wife can only stand idly by and support him to the best of my ability which doesn't feel nowhat near good enough. Who's to say that he'd feel any better if he had been able to see her one last time rather than only being able to call? I dunno. As for myself her death just brought up memories of the passing of my grandmother, with whom I was very close as well. Memories which I thought had long since been buried, moments that I thought I had adequately grieved over, apparantly I was wrong. But tis not my moment, therefore for the sake of my husband, I shoved those feelings on the back burner. Maybe I'll get the chance to deal with them and cope another time. Meanwhile my mother-in-law is literally cracking before all our eyes. Like an egg shell on a hard boiled egg, each fragment falling off into oblivion, one right after another, along the fissure that started it all. And to add insult to injury there's her pathetic excuse of a human being, her brother John. (Who for the record I am ASHAMED to call family) This man is the epitomy of cruelty and greed. Apparantly as per Grandma's will John was awarded the house (Nevermind the fact that he legitamitely owned the house ie NO MORE MORTGAGE and is in his name) and my Mother-in-law was awarded the ENTIRE contents and the discretion to dispose of/disperse/etc said items at her discretion. Now anyone that has ever moved before or ever had the privelage so-to-speak of going thru the decedants belongings knows that it's an incredibly long, drawn out process. I have been helping out to the best of my ability however this woman was a pack rat and a half! I am doing my utmost in trying to help clear the house and also support my in-laws emotionally during this time where even the slightest view of a precious moment figurine or a piece of china will illicit tears if not sobs. As overwhelming as it is, I still don't feel like it's enough. Maybe it never will be, I dunno. Yet, it get's even better folks! Step right up and see the piece of shit of the century! He goes by the name of John Rycyna everyone! Got your snacks? This is gonna be a long one! Yes, said uncle, brother, son, etc is adding further insult to injury by selling said house! Now under most circumstances selling the decedants house isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there are execptions here, allow me to elaborate. . .The house that is being sold is a 3 bedroom, 1 bath home with a partially finished basement and detached garage with a few acres. Essentially it is a nice little starter home for a young family with two children (Jimmy and I) or a young family with 1 child, where the parents run a business out of their home (My sister-in-law, her hubby and their toddler). The whole goal was to keep said house in the family, or if possible a friend of the family. After all the house still does carry a lot of sentimental attachment for those involved. (Aside from John of course). I know that my mother in law has been doing everything that she possibly can to see to it that Jimmy and I get the house, seeing as to how my sister in law was kind enough to step down and allow Jimmy and I to vie for it. Now here's where things get even more convoluted. Uncle John ADAMANTLY REFUSES to "rent" the house. Why, I have no clue. But he won't even entertain the idea. Is it not legal in NY for an owner of a house that is PIF (Paid in full) to rent to whomever at a price at their discretion? I am naive in the ways of real estate law and such, but I don't see why not? After all when Grandma was alive she lived there rent free and John assumed responsibility of taxes and homeowner's insurance. It would only be fair that, hypothetically speaking of course, that if I and my family were to reside there that we would pay said items in additon to whatever rent he wanted per month. But NO, NO, NO. That's not good enough for the greedy bastard. As is, two days after she passed, he had an appraiser come by to evaluate the house. Apparantly the amt is 87,000-87,500. The so called olive branch that he is extending to family and friends is a discount of not even 10,000 off of the asking price! That sickens me. In todays rocky mortgage and real estate market, who's really gonna invest that kind of dough? Again maybe it's my naivety. But I'd like to think I'm not as dumb as I may seem. So yeah, Grandma hasn't even been buried yet and he's already had an appraiser over. The burial was Thursday May 29th, and it was that day if not that Friday that he already had a real estate agent hired to sell said house. May I also make note that he has made NO effort to help clean out the house? Not even for the purpose of staging it so it can sell to line his dirty pockets? (Yes, I mean line. The sale of this house is ENTIRELY profit for him. Furthermore it enables that rat bastard to cut any and all ties with family in this neck of the woods. And to further point out his greed, he had the audacity to complain that he wasn't getting a stimulus rebate. Apparantly he makes too much money. Nauseated yet? I am.) Obviously no one that is in contention for owning this house is in a position financially to get a mortgage, John knows this, and is still plowing ahead. Jimmy and I went into Allstate the other day to pay our renters policy and the look on my mother-in-laws face was one of like somone just pulled the bottom out from under her. Apparently John (who resides in MD) listed the house! It's official, there's signs on the lawn and the whole nine yards. I had to see it for my own eyes and when I did, I dropped to my knees and started to bawl. Jimmy had to pick me up. It was a rather depressing sight. Yet aside from feeling like a golden opportunity was slipping thru my fingers, I felt guilty for laying yet another problem upon my my husband. I can only imagine how he feels. (Hating, I mean HATING John, seeing the effect that that louse has on his mother, him feeling inadequate about not being able to provide for his family, worrying about his pregnant wife constantly, ete and I'm sure that's only the tip of the iceberg.) All of us are having difficulty comprehending such blatant disregard for human decency. Let alone the fact that we are family, and we have emotions too, the whole nine yards. I, along with my in-laws knew that he was the uptight prick type, but this had blown us completely away. Flabbergasted, shocked, aghast, appalled etc only begin to describe what we're going thru. Wow, ya know. WTF right? WTF WTF WTF. Ok moving on. . .Then when one would think things couldn't get anyu worse, my father-in-law was rushed to Buffalo General (AGAIN) because of a reoccurring staph infection either in the ateriograft itself or the icision for said graft. The original procedure was done in february, and he has already had one round with this infection. We all know the MASSIVE inconvenience hospital visits can be, particularly the havoc they wreak upon our work schedules and such. The man had just recently returned to work prior to grandma dying, which was the first stint, then is now on disabilty AGAIN. The man just wants to f*ing retire or either be put on permanent disabilty. Maybe this is god's way of telling him to slow the f**k down and take the calmer road. I dunno. But now he get's to spend Father's Day in the hospital, and my mother-in-law gets to be the live-in-nurse yet again with his IV meds, the constant pic line, the inability to spend the time he wants to with his grandkids and stuff. I don't know how else to put it, other than it sucks, really really really sucks. Maybe I'm just too downtrodden to clearly convey my feelings. Meanwhile I can see the fear in my husband's eyes. The gripping fear of his father's imminent mortality, and the fear of god that this is what he may have to look forward to being that genetics plays a definitive role in the servere vascular problems that grip his father. In general, just what this means for his Dad in the long run possibly. Unclear future can be scary for anyone I suppose. Meanwhile I of course have my own issues that I have been trying to deal with to the best of my ability. My main problem has been work. Or the lackthereof I suppose. The abridged version, hired at JC Penny in Nov 2007 as Christmas help. Kept on after the season. Announced pregnancy at end of Jan. Since then hours have dwindled to nothing, LITERALLY, and been passed up for two seperate moves/promotions. Bullshit eh? When originally hired, I was assigned to the women's dept and had hours coming out of my a**.  As to be expected, things slowed during Jan and Feb being that those aren't exactly prime business months. Over the course of subsequent weeks, I waited patiently for my hours to pick up, and of course they didn't. Yet anytime I approached my manager, AnneMarie all she ever said was "Lack of business, her bosses telling her to cut cut cut" Basically she NEVER once apologized let alone took some semblance of responsibility for the actions. Then out of the blue she approached me about an opening in another department. That I would work both and get the hours I needed. Two weeks went by with no response, so I followed the chain of command, only to find out I didn't get it because there was concern regarding the potential lifting involved. (Poor excuse if you ask me, and certainly didn't explain why I heard nothing for such a length of time.) Yet I was offered a position in another dept as a peace offering of sorts. So being that beggars can't be choosers I took it. Well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. AnneMarie was pissed I went over her head, and I took the grunt of it. I couldn't even kill this bitch with kindness. Being pregnant on top of working means I may miss a few hours here and there because of appts and emergencies upon occasion, and unfortunately I have had a few since Jan. I did my employee duty and submitted any doctors notes and work orders and such, only to have them come back and bite me in the ass. Going from 40 hours, 30, to 20, then 10 if I'm lucky, and with no explanation as to why is likely to piss one off after a while now isn't it? My manager in fine jewelery even had the audacity to tell me that she had already hired my replacement (and this was in the beginning of May, I'm not due till SEPT!!!) and therefore since my replacement was already hired, and since I was going to be leaving soon that I wasn't going to get too many hours only to have to replace them later!!!!!!!!!!! I can understand one does what one has to do in order to run a business, but isn't that kinda early to hire a new employee? What I wouldn't have given to have gotten that bitch on tape or video saying what she said. Had that opportunity presented itself I would be sitting in a lawyer's office right now, that's for damn sure.  Furthermore I recently had my annual appraisal (review), was given good marks and am performing the job they hired me to do to their standards if not above. If that's the case, then why the f*ck am I getting the shaft???!!! Am considering filing for partial unemployment though. Will keep ya'll posted on that. And as to be expected, those that know I was applying for the supervisor's position in the children's department, I didn't get it. I got the phone call this morning and I can't help but speculate as to why I didn't. (Considering previous activity aforementioned) WTF WTF WTF right? I have been inclined to seek a lawyer's consel regarding this matter. But I fear getting my hopes up, investing time and money and such. Tis something I still need to let marinate before I act on it. Advice is most welcome though :-) Speaking of lawyers, I was served a summons earlier this afternoon. Yes, I will admit it is debt related. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do. All I know is I'm supposed to take action on it within ten days I believe it says. But what really "grinds my gears" is that I was in the process of sitting down with my daughter to cuddle her to sleep and the doorbell rings. And sure enough it's some dorky dude I've never seen before in my life. After reading said carbons that I was delivered, man I'm telling you, nothing like trying to cuddle your kid to sleep and bawling your eyes out at the same time. That takes skill. I realize that it is no one's fault but my own. Still sucks lol, but yeah I'm the ass. Maybe that's what makes it worse, is that I and I alone am responsible for how messed up things got in the first place. I would like to think that by acknowledging that, that that's the mature approach. Then next is the attempt to pick oneself up by the collar, give a swift kick in the a** and get a move on. I can't help but fear that I have fouled up my children's childhood however because of not having the ability to financially provide for them like I had originally wanted to. As is in April Jimmy and I made the decision to allow our suv to get repo'd because we couldn't afford both the insurance and the payment. I speak to one person in general when I say this, you know exactly where I'm coming from, and I thank you for allowing me to lean on you in those times where I feel like a "bad mommy" I still have my moments, and thank you for helping me to realize that it's ok to have moments and to stop beating myself up over it. You have helped me realize tis better to provide for my children to the best of my ability, rather that berating myself for not doing it exactly how I "perfectly intended". It's just ironic I suppose. My husband and I have been considering filing for bankruptcy or something to that effect, so that when our children are of an age where their parent's finances really play a role in their life(lives), things may be better. Then this happens today, in addition to all of the financial aspects to everything mentioned beforehand in this (now EXCEEDINGLY long blog LOL) An omen I wonder? Perhaps. Advice is welcomed :-) Nevertheless a LONG discussion is in the works between the hubby and I. Meanwhile it appears as though my little ray of sunshine is awake. She can always bring a smile to my face :-) Should anything else arise, or should I need to make an addendum, will be done soon, I promise. Thanks for indulging me. Hope to hear from ya'll.